It's very strange, and wonderful, some of the conversations you can have with people just by being positive, friendly, and open to infinite possibilities. Literally anything can happen. Everyone has a story, everyone wants to grow and be more. Sometimes, people get stuck for a bit. Sometimes, they aren't sure where to turn next, or think they know but what they want isn't really what they need.
This is a true story, with some good lessons. Good for metaphor use, if you ever need one.
I'll put the "Lessons" at the end, if you want to get right to that part (search on "Lessons"). But the story itself is well worth reading.
The other night, I was killing a bit of time while waiting for my Salsa class to start. While sitting at one of the restaurants in the area, enjoying a coffee and doing up some notes on my Netbook, I saw someone that I used to run into a lot in that same place, one of the employees there that I used to chit chat with over the course of 2010.
One of the best things I ever learned was "take a genuine interest in people, everyone has a story, and when you're open to it you can experience wonderful things". (Paraphrased; from Mike Mandel's Hypnosis training at NLP Canada Training, April 2010).
So I chatted with this person, curious about how his holidays were, if anything much had gone on in the area in the months I'd been away. Mostly small talk.
Then he mentioned some of his hopes for the future, that he was getting into college for a particular course, and was having problems with the math portion. He asked if I could help out at all. I asked what kind of math he had to know, he went and got the textbook he was studying.
It was a pretty big thing, well worn and heavy, a bit dog eared. He'd been working hard to learn the material himself that he needed to go back to college. I plunked it down on the table with a thud, let it flip open like magic to the math section he was working on, and took a read through while he went back to work. After awhile he came back and we chatted a bit.
I actually felt a bit awkward at first. You see, my impulse was to assume that he was looking for someone to help tutor him in math. But I knew that that was just "my assumption", and I had to see past it. So I asked him a few questions about it. Carefully. What I wanted to ask was "How do you find this hard ?", but whenever you ask someone something like that, they see it as a challenge to their intelligence.
What I really wanted to know what "What's holding you back from learning this material ? Learning it to the point where it's easy ?". It sounds easy to say, but put yourself into the other person's shoes, and how does it feel if someone throws that question at you ? It doesn't feel nice, even with the best tonality it comes across as arrogant or superior.
I did say "I've got some questions to ask you about this, but I'm not sure how to phrase them, so please bear with me.". I paused for a moment, collected my thoughts, and went on to ask a few questions. Sort of like "When you're doing this for a test, how do you feel ? What do you feel holds you back from doing better at it ?". Perhaps a few other questions as well.
The answers I got gave me really good insights to what was going on. Apparently, his earlier studies of math involved using a calculator... . But on these tests, no calculators. He wasn't used to doing the questions without a calculator. The other thing was the pressure of having a time limit on the tests keep interrupting his concentration. Instead of focusing on solving the question, he'd focus on how much time he had left.... .
In the end, "There's no way out of it, you're going to have to practice this stuff. You're going to have to put effort into it, and committment, that's the bad news. the good news, it's going to be easy for you, and here's why...".
So I told him a little story.
Back in the 90's , I used to do some serious bodybuilding, just as a hobby. At the time I stopped, I was doing well over 300 pounds for presses, squats, and deadlifts. And that was just part of the workout.
[he looked shocked]
But when I first started - I was only doing 50 pounds at the beginning. That's right, just the bar with no weight. I kept at it, and eventually got to the heavy weights. And you know, it was really easy.
Because I'd only add one pound each day to the weights. I mean, if you can do 50 pounds, what's 51 ? Just a tiny bit more. And if you can do 51, what's 52 ? That's an even smaller increase this time, compared to the day before. It's only one pound, well, more like two pounds every second day... but not much.
And after a year of keeping at it, I got up to 315 pound lifts. Didn't really seem hard at that point, it was just a pound or two more from the workout before that. I stopped there since I had passed my goals anyway, and was happy.
So here's what I want you to do....
Put aside a couple hours every night. But only five days a week. The first night - you can do ten questions in two hours, right ? Probably even have time left over. And if you can do ten, then the next night, you can do eleven. It's just one extra question, right ? And since the more you do, the easier it gets, maybe you'll get an extra question in, and have even more leftover time.
And the night after that, add another question. That's not so bad, is it ? Only one little extra question, just a tiny bit more, yes ?
(feedback checks going on all the time- making sure I got agreement on all of that)
Just keep at it that way. Add a little more each time, never overload yourself. It'll get easier and easier as time goes on.
And if you can find a way to make it fun somehow, maybe give meaning to the numbers and patterns you see while you're working on the questions, it'll be even easier. Maybe they are birthdays of people you know in there, or dates something happened. Be playful, maybe you'll remember something nice as well.
The change in his expression and physiology was surprising... there was a realization there, and a sense that something got released (perhaps fear being replaced with hope ? or anxiety with calmness ? Doesn't matter - something good happened).
Now, the rest of the story is up to him. His committment to making it happen.
Lessons Learned from that random encounter, from just 15 minutes of two lives....
1. Be respectful when dealing with people. Sometimes, questions that seem innocent or harmless to you may be interpreted by them as negative. As a challenge perhaps, or maybe the question will actually give credibility to an unhealthy belief that they have. Ie, some questions may actually make the problem worse.
2. Questions should be kept framed in a way that allows the person to do better. Question the behaviour, not the person, and presuppose better behaviours or states are available.
3. "Better to teach a man to fish than to give him a fish.". Giving a stragety to get through a problem or reach a goal is golden. What really shines is if it's done in such a way that it is easy for them to run with it. Especially if it gives them a new road to walk that leads to "hope", and they know they can walk it.
4. Keep the whole thing positive. Playful if you can. Fun. For you, and for them.
5. Learn what you can from them as well, positive change can work both ways.
All I did was give him a new strategy to play with, a useful one. The only thing I can think of for where the strategy came from is the story of "The Tortise and the Hare" - the idea of "Make Haste Slowly". Slow, certain, determined progression will win out over a lot of random unfocused energy. Guess the unconscious mind really has amazing resources to it, right ?
You can move a lot of weight, easily, if you work up to it one pound at a time, slowly.
The more you practice, the easier things become, which lets you add a little more each time.
Goals are met one step at a time. Some people call the steps that get you closer "failure", but really they are just "a step closer to your goal, and a success in that you learned something from it".
You never know what stories people have unless you take the time to get to know them, and let them share whatever stories they choose to share. Be positive and cheerful, you'll get stories that are there or are on the way there !
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